Arguments are often proof that you care. You would not bother, if you did not. It is important to remember that Even the smartest and best intentioned people fight. Arguments are sometimes caused by competing needs and differing tastes. They are a logical byproduct of a unique perspective and a healthy set of boundaries – what keeps you, you and me, me.
So How Do We Stop Arguing?
One of the ways to stop arguing is for someone to go first. It is difficult to do because it feels like giving in. If you stop lobbying for your “cause,” it feels as though you have given up and that the other person has gotten his way. But in essence, you are the bigger person. You realize the discussion is no longer productive and is quickly spiraling into an emotional character assassination. What can you actually do to change things?
You are in luck. Below, are some tips that will assist you.
Your Focused Attention is Like Magic
We are so accustomed to being tuned out and talked over, that a simple acknowledgment of regard can be shocking. In an argument, we assume that while the other person is quiet, he is busy preparing his counter-arguments like a lawyer. The other person will no know what to do if you actually display curiosity about where he/she is coming from. And if you make it known that you consider the other person’s feelings and needs legitimate, it totally knocks the wind out of their sails.
The following phrases are effective because they communicate that an argument will not stop you from caring the relationship:
“You have a point.”
“That makes sense.”
“I can understand how you feel.”
“You are right.”
“Let’s try to figure this out together.”
“No matter what happens, you are important to me.”
“I love you.”
Remember Which Team You Are On
Conflict is a state of mind. Imagine a conference table. You are on one side and the person you are arguing with is on the other side haggling and fussing. Now imagine yourself getting up, coming over to their side of the table, and quietly sitting next to them. You are on the same team again. You can be a team even when you disagree because you can both be right at the same time! If you are committed to each other – the rule is: “If you have a problem, We have a problem.” No one gets their needs or problem dismissed. This mentality allows us to work things out. You can compromise to ensure that both your needs are met and everyone can be happy again.